What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 03:52
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Put me off passion for life!!
What did i know ?
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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I will be 64.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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We were not on the streets..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Is it true that sleeping with your hair down can cause damage?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She married twice! .
I think the readers, may guess!
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He resisted the act ,that day.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As i do to all so called friends.?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
So whats the point in blame.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was 9 years of age.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was scared of men, in general
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She loved him until the end.
All the time i was locked up.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She found it foreign!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was seconnd youngest,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And i lived it daily.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why did i forgive my father ?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When she asked me how she looked .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was in good health!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im still living with it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But it wasn’t much.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
This is soul school!.
My life is so biszare .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Would this be the day?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It was going to be , some day.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She wouldn,t have been !
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Comes on , in middle age.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I write beautiful poetry .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Ive learnt so much.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Who then, do I blame.?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I have no regrets .
One cannot live in the past .
I don,t even have a pension.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My family never makes their pension either.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So, i spoilt her more .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But, we were locked up after school.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He knew the spot.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We all went to grammer schools
I said to her
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was very sick at this time too.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I never cut or harmed myself..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I waited trembling.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.